All In

It's only a few more weeks until East. I am getting that nervous feeling of not having things done in time, but I would get that feeling no matter how much I had done. I notice that I have been having some sort of weird creative block lately. When you begin to feel behind, you (or is it just me?) tend to push things rather than let them come to you. I imagine that sentence could only make sense to some. I find it hard to articulate what I feel when I am having a sort of creative crisis. I guess that would make sense, though, huh?

It is like my brain is trying to do too many things at once and I am not capable of putting it on paper. That really sucks, but it happens. This is probably the same old song with all artists and may be a bore to read about, but, as always, it helps to write about it.

I still feel the need to express what I have discussed in previous posts, but it is almost as if every mark I make is forced and awful. I erase, erase, erase, erase .... and then erase some more. Today, however, I woke up telling myself, "Don't you erase a single thing today. Enhance it. Make it yours." And I did. I didn't take start over and over and over again. I just let myself finish the idea. I mean, it's not finished yet, but it's coming along nicely. You just have to take a breath for a moment and feel what you're doing.

Before I end this brief entry, I will share with you the idea behind this particular piece I am discussing. When I say that I want to do a tarot deck, it definitely does add to the list of the million projects I have envisioned. On the other hand, it is totally doable if I have one going all the time - even in between other things. Is that a bad idea? I don't know. Maybe. I want to do it anyway, so I started with "The Moon". I haven't drawn in all the components, so it is definitely still a work in progress. It may not look like much now, but here are some progress photos.

See, now, I have only written a few paragraphs and I already feel better about my direction. Always stay focused. Even if it frustrates the shit out of you.

Then, smile because you're making art.

Inside and Outside

Hello, friends. I thought I'd take some time to have a little looksie into what has been going on in my art world lately. Seeing how it's been rather difficult for me to keep up on the happenings, I may skip around a bit. Let's see ....

 Oh, hey! Look! It's a photo of Nudge Collective's studio. I am not the best at using the panorama feature on my phone, but it'll do for now. It's such a great space (Canopy in Austin, TX), and I have enjoyed my time when I work there. It is quite a different experience working from your home and working in your own studio. I feel as if I get a whole lot more done without all the distractions that being at home can have. There's no, "Hm, I should clean this or rearrange that." or "I'm just going to read this for a few minutes and thennn I will get to work!" None of that. I am happy to be a part of this space. I feel productive and inspired by the wonderful women with whom I share it with.

I really wanted to share more about the book Neeka and I are working on, but I have decided that I want to save that for much later when we're closer to finishing. We are getting so incredibly close!

I have been working on some personal work as well. I have had a recent fascination with the idea of twins or mirror-like images and, of course, masks. The idea behind the masked or beaked creatures are usually an aesthetic of which to hide behind, or social anxiety, rather. In a way - well, in many ways - it is about me and my personal struggles and triumphs within (the piece in progress below would represent the struggle). The twins, however, are somewhat representational to the battle of certain aspects of myself. Alike, but subtly different. Dualities. For lack of better words, they are perhaps seeking a balance of my introverted self and a social/extraverted self. This may seem a bit cliché, but the drawings flow rather naturally and usually without the conscious intention to make such statements. As art usually does, it just happens, and you look inside yourself to see and make sense of why. I find myself doing this more and more than I used to. By doing this, I feel more at ease with myself and therefore, more infused with creative juices. I suppose you could say ... my cup runneth over?

The most recent twin piece that I finished felt more triumphant. The beaked creatures face one another. Eye-to-eye. Feathers afloat. Yet, still awkward and strange. Happily acknowledging the imperfections, as if to fly with them. Hence, the title, As A Bird.

As a Bird, Graphite and Ink, 2015

The more I have thought about my work, even the child-like illustrations have ties to the idea of the battle of living inwards and outwards. I feel that this is something most of us face and is nothing new, but it is important to the individual. It always is. Digging deeper inside of one's self is always important, and often times, we fight some sort of inner battle. No matter how common something is to think and feel, it is a part of the individual being. It is to experience life. That being said, one side is not necessarily better than the other. The anxiety will happen. Some good, some bad. To me, transcending that anxiety into art is the key. Sometimes, as an artist, you are giving yourself therapy without even knowing it. Or perhaps it is always that way and it is only sometimes that we are cognizant of it.

Whatever it is that I am trying to say on my little tangent here, I know that art places me in touch with concentrated doses of missing intrinsic qualities of self and mind. It sets and restores a balance. 

And there you have it. 

Good night, friends!

The Bear and His Catch

 I haven't been able to update for a while, but I can say I have a good excuse or two. Recently, I have had the pleasure of reuniting with a friend and meeting new ones. So many awesome things are taking place and I could not be happier at the moment.

One of the people I have met is also a fellow artist and writer, Neeka Allsup (http://neekaallsup.com/home.html). Her brain has very similar workings of mine, and it has been fantastic to work with her on a current book project I am going to share a little bit about with you all titled, The Bear and His Catch.

I used to be really hesitant on collaborating with others. I felt that I would clash too much with someone else's vision or maybe even just the way they went about it. This isn't an alien feeling, though. I think many of us feel this way. On the other hand, when you find someone who meshes well with you, it is well worth diving in and taking the opportunity. I feel very lucky to have made such a connection and I can say that it has been a really enjoyable experience.

Her story is a beautifully haunting allegorical tale that I feel explores emotional dualities and the nature of ownership. It is so wonderfully written and multidimensional that it is relatable not only for children, but readers of all ages. What is love and what is abuse? It would seem as though this is an easy question to answer, but often it isn't. It can be verbal, psychological, emotional, physical and so forth. What is addressed in this story, is that we can all become enraptured in the stronghold of something disguised as love and endure harmful relationships. It is, however, important to begin to distinguish the two and recognize our self-worth and intrinsic value as an individual. Although easier said than done in some cases, it is equally important to draw the line and cut ties with such toxic associations. I think that her story is an excellent parable of those relationships - knowing and recognizing the nature of abuse and walking away. Like many great stories, it holds a moral and lesson that one can only discern through their personal experiences and relationships. It will surely be a treasure to have once it is completed.

It has been really wonderful to work alongside Neeka, and I cannot wait to share more as this project comes to a close in the future. Please refer to the link above to see her work. You definitely will not regret it :)

And now, I leave you with a sneak peek at the progress of one of the pages we have worked on:

Self-Doubt and The Pursuit of Art (or something like that)

It's been a while since I first had the thought to send my work to a publisher. On Tuesday, I will finally be sending my first packet off to one. I have sent many to publishers that accept portfolios via email, (of which there aren't many of) but this would be my first time to send a packet out. I can't say that I am not nervous, but really, (besides a bit of cash from the prints) what have I got to lose? Again, worst case scenario is that I either hear nothing and/or get turned down. 

I read this short article the other day from Juxtapoz Magazine's site by Michael Sieben that came along at the most perfect time. Not that long ago, I was having the thoughts of "I need a "real" job." and, "I'm not making any money and no one cares about my art, so what's the point?" And so on. But the truth of the matter is, is that those thoughts are bullshit. I am an artist. I cannot think of anything else that I would ever want to do. Sure, I'll work a part-time gig to keep me afloat, but I will never just quit being an artist. Honestly, that'd be pretty impossible. My pencils and inks are like my right arm. My heart. My soul. All of me. Come to think of it, those fleeting, yet defeatist-type of thoughts are just silly now. 

I think that perhaps my age was getting to me. Being 31 and feeling a bit like a late bloomer in life. Looking around to see your peers having their careers and whatnot. All that "grass is greener" nonsense. It all sort of gets to you when you're feeling a little down and out. It can sometimes jeopardize your goals when you let it take hold of you. Anxieties fly high and then, poof! - you're thinking of quitting. Let me tell you something. It takes too much out of you to bring yourself out of that type of funk. I can say pretty confidently that I am out of that mindset, but man, it was not a fun experience. 

Moving along to my point (if I have one). There are some notable quotes from Sieben's article that I'd like to share. 

"Now, I know that feedback probably sounds almost dismissive and/or naive. And I know that the underlying question is more, "How do I make money as an artist?" But the answer remains the same. If you're going to be a player in the art game, at some point, you have to realize that there's no coach." Yep. So true. No matter how much advice I get from other artists (of whom have been very helpful), the ultimate truth is that every artist's career path is different. How they got there and all. No one is going to hold your hand and point the way. You just have to make your own way. You have to survive getting rejected. You have to take some risks. You get the idea, and may be thinking that this is nothing new. It's not anything new, but it is new if you don't apply these things in real life. You can hear all the advice in the world, but nothing comes from it if you store it and let it fade.

"You're going to have to do a lot of unpaid work before somebody hires you for a paying gig. That being said, when you honestly feel like your apprenticeship is over and your dues have been paid, you're most likely still going to have to (metaphorically) pull yourself up by your bootstraps in order to get noticed. If no galleries want to represent you, stage your own art shows to get your work in front of people." I feel like this is where I am at. I mean, I cannot say if anyone else would consider my dues paid, but there's no better time than now to start pursuing what I want more aggressively. Let go of those anxieties and uncertainties. Just go with it, but lead the way.

"Self publish, self promote, self start - if you sit around and wait for somebody to start your career, you're going to be waiting for a long time. Like, till you're dead, dude." Not much to elaborate on here. It's just plain true. I could have probably been doing much more with art by now had I not been waiting for the internet world to save me. Don't get me wrong - the internet is a powerful tool and putting your work on the web is great. I definitely do it. However, that alone (for most of us at least) just won't cut it. You're going to have to really take charge on your own. Go out and mingle with your art community. Be around like-minded people. Network face-to-face. Be present outside of your comfort zone. No one else is going to to go out of their way to move your career along but you. 

"Every successful artist or commercial artist that I know has a backstory that entails a lot of penniless years with blind faith as their prevailing guide. The only common denominator is relentless perseverance and optimism. So if you want to know where to start, the only real answer is not stopping." Penniless years - yep, still there! Blind faith - check! Relentless perseverance and optimism - well, I can't say that my optimism has been on par all the time, but lately, I can say it has. You have to count every good moment, no matter how big or small, as a victory. If you think of them as nothing because you're not "there" yet, then, believe me, it gets really rough. Lastly, perseverance. Yep. Keep going. I cannot really elaborate much on that. That's it. Don't stop. Draw or paint or whatever it is you love - do it every single day. Aggressively. 

I am not just taking and/or dishing out this advice. I am living it. I am doing it. I am sending my work to my first "big" publisher with skin as thick as ever. I am saying "yes" to things I would have shied away from previously. I am putting myself out there. Rejection? Yeah, I have gotten it more times than I can count. What other people are doing with their lives? I am happy they're doing what they do, but it's not my concern. And age? I don't care about that so much anymore either. Was my so-called "falling out" a good learning experience? Was it eye-opening? Sure it was. Would I recommend going through that? Maybe? I don't know. I suppose it depends on what it takes to know what and who you are. 

Now, what I can recommend, is this article by Michael Sieben. Although I have quoted a good chunk of it, it's worth a read. 

http://www.juxtapoz.com/current/sieben-on-life-start-right-now